New from the National Rifle Association: Vigil-rama

New from the National Rifle Association: Vigil-rama

What we need more than anything is a new approach to the untamed forces in our midst. But don't worry, help is on its way from the people who bring you your way of life, the way you want it, no matter what.

NEW APPROACHES TO VIOLENCE ARE URGENTLY REQUIRED.       

SYRACUSE, NEW YORK — As this festive holiday season gets under way with the memory still fresh of the cowardly attack on innocents by terrorists in San Bernardino, Calif., the National Rifle Association is offering a timely gift to any community in the USA that needs it: a full-service, thoughts-and-prayers vigil for those lost to terrorism and crime in our communities.

In this time of crisis such a timely gift is what you've been looking for. We understand.

But look no further! Vigil-rama has it all.

*** A logistics team that handles all the details — renting a stadium or other appropriate venue, providing a full and meaningful program, memorial souvenirs, music, snacks and soft drinks, to accommodate all those whose thoughts and prayers are with the dead victims and their grieving families.

*** An archive of inspiring thoughts and fervent prayers for the dead citizens of San Bernardino — and any other American community that suffers from a similar cowardly act of domestic terrorism.              

*** Advance workers who will make sure citizens of your town are aroused with righteous anger against foreigners, jihadists, criminals, the mentally unstable and other un-American types who are responsible for the mayhem in our streets. This advance team also will help ensure that your God-given right to keep and bear arms is not infringed by this horrific distraction.    

*** The NRA offers to recruit GOP presidential candidates — like Ted Cruz and Lindsay Graham — to rail against the enemy without threatening your guns. If the terrorist attack in your town is large enough and bloody enough, the NRA will invite Donald Trump to visit and tell you exactly who to blame. He will also explain why President Obama bears ultimate responsibility for these heinous acts, because of unknown but lurid and  possibly treasonous reasons that will be revealed in good time.

*** For every five innocent victims killed in a terrorist attack, the NRA promises to add to its support services: logistics, thoughts-and-prayers archive, advance workers, keynote speakers, big-name entertainment and musical tributes. The NRA can practically guarantee an appearance by Donald Trump if the death toll is greater than, say, 20.

 

Don’t just sit there and cry! Don’t let the terrorists win! Don’t let the gun-control nuts capitalize on the fact that these monsters may have taken advantage of our precious right to cash-and-carry assault weapons and armor-piercing ammo. Protect our way of life! Help stamp out alien plots, seditious foreign influences, un-American activities, left-liberal subversion, Democrats. Give the dead victims of terrorist attacks the love, the thoughts and prayers, the tears and gnashing of teeth they deserve. Above all, don’t let the enemies of America blame these outrages on law-abiding, god-fearing gun owners and their constitutional rights.

Don’t get caught unprepared. Sign up now. If the next cowardly attack happens in your town, and the number of dead bodies reaches the threshold, you could be in line for a tear-jerking, heart-thumping, flag-waving Vigil-Rama you will never forget!

 

 

This article was first published in The Journal of Wild Culture on December 14, 2015.

 

 

FRED FISKE is an independent journalist and composer and spent his career in journalism, mostly writing editorials for The Post-Standard newspaper in Syracuse, New York. He majored in history and literature at Harvard and received his masters from the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism. He grew up in a foreign service family, living in Bangladesh, Germany, Congo and Iceland.

Cartoon by Mike Constable.

 

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